Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
