Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
