I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize