there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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