I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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