I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize