Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
