i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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