I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
