A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
