Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
