Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
