She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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