I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
