Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
