and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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