I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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