So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
