We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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