cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
