Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize