I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
