I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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