I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
