i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
