my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize