why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize