I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just googled if crying burns calories
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
