trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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