White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
