He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
