I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
