ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
