you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
did i walk over a car last night?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
