i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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