totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
