I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
