I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
