My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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