He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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