my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
