You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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