I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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