What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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