the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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