I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
