Kiss
Puke
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
