I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
