Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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