I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He better not be in your backpack
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
