Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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