I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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