I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
