farters have to be the big spoon...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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