Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
